I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
