Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
