Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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