Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
