Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
