She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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