if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
