I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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