I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
