piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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