Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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