Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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