Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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