i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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