She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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