Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
