Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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