K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
