Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
