according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
