I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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