Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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