11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
