my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
