3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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