Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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