Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
