Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
