beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
