Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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