filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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