so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
