I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish you could order shots online.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
