she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
