I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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