My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
