Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
