i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
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I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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