my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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