I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
