If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
