Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
