this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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