my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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