I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
