She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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