I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
