i would punch a child for taco bell
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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