I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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