Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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