omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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