im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
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Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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