If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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