We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
