I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
