it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
